Saved from a Life of Drug Addiction and Occultism

Jessica - Frankfurt, Germany


Photo of Jessica

Hi, my name is Jessica, I would like to tell you how God gave me a new life.

When I was a kid I believed in God, but I didn´t understand the Bible. That´s why I tried to live my faith by going to a Catholic Church on Sundays, using Rosary beads at home and becoming an acolyte. Quite quickly I noticed that all this didn´t bring me closer to God. So, at the age of about eleven, I turned away from this belief, and paid more attention to my friends. We met daily in front of the church building to just hang out together.

The priest turned us away, so we turned to the world

One day we wanted to attend a mass, because one of my friends had never been to one, but the priest came to tell us that if we just wanted to make trouble we should leave. At this point I knew I wanted to break with Christianity at least the Catholic form, which was completely narrow-minded and hypocritical.

At twelve or thirteen my life consisted more and more of meeting with friends. At one overnight party, at a friend´s house, after drinking beer and champagne, I became drunk for the first time and shortly afterwards I had my first high on hash. Fairly quickly, smoking hash became a new habit. Daily I met with my friends to smoke. We loved all that was extreme, started to wear only black clothes and listened to dark music like; “Dead Can Dance”, “Goethes Erben”, “Current 93” and songs like “God Is Dead”. We focused our thoughts and minds on Alistair Crowley’s teaching and retreated to a world into which our parents had no entrance.

Following the principle that Aleister Crowley taught, which says “Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law”, I decided to live for the moment and to always do what I wanted to do in that particular moment.

At this time I was very attracted by all mystical and occult practices such as using pendulums, glass moving, tarot cards, etc. But the more I immersed myself into that world, the more depressed I became. Often I sat together with my friends and we hurt ourselves, slitting crosses in our arms or stubbing out cigarettes on our skin. At some point my parents discovered the injuries and they forbade me from wearing black clothes, which led me to put them on secretly as soon as I was outside the house.

Living a lie

My relationship with my parents was not very good anymore because I excluded them from my life and lied to them in many respects; regarding my drug habits in particular, revealing only what I could not hide. When they found out that I was smoking hash, it was like a big slap in the face for them and they took great pains to talk to me. Due to my parents’ despair I wanted to quit smoking, but this decision didn´t last for long as life without drugs seemed to be rather boring and monotonous.

I continued living a lie and told my parents I wouldn´t take anything anymore. As I still managed school quite well my parents believed me initially, but soon found out again. Again I tried to quit, started again and lied to them again and again. This happened time and time again over the years to come, except the drugs changed from hash and alcohol into stronger drugs.

At the age of fifteen I had my first LSD trip which convinced me that there was a spiritual world. For quite some time I had the opinion that drugs were my religion and that they would show me all truth. I adored Jim Morrison and it became my aim to “break on through to the other side”. When one of my friends started taking heroin, I tried it a couple of times, but preferred LSD and ecstasy pills.

I went to rave parties with my friends...

When I was seventeen or eighteen years old I went to rave parties with my friends where we danced the whole night through until the next noon. I loved to dance and to lapse into ecstasy, and hated it when at noon time the lights were switched on, and the music stopped and when we had to leave. Often instead of the ecstasy a big emptiness remained inside. To fill that up again and to feel “fresh” during the week I often took ecstasy pills and speed even outside the clubs. As a side effect I started to experience panic attacks. In my thoughts I was primarily occupied with discovering “truth” and other people´s thoughts, and it became increasingly harder for me to speak about things relating to everyday life. As these attacks became more frequent and more unpleasant I tried heroin again, thinking that as I had already tried it, I could leave it again. But this time heroin “helped” me to think about normal things again. I felt great and I liked the fact that I could finally speak about normal subjects again and that I could do everything in a normal way.

First I smoked the heroin only on weekends, but quite soon I found myself taking it during the week, too and eventually I was taking it daily. In the first year I didn´t need too much to feel good and even the withdrawals were only noticeable through symptoms like having a slight flu, so I still managed doing my final exams at school without any big problems.

The habit controlled me, and then came heroin, and an unwanted pregnancy

At this time I was still convinced that I had control and that I could quit the habit at any time if I wanted to. After my final exams I moved out of my parent´s house into my own flat. I turned away from my former friends, because their concerns got on my nerves and I wanted to be around people who had the same interests as I had: HEROIN! So I was almost exclusively together with people that took heroin as well. At some point during this time I fell pregnant. I was extremely desperate and as the father of the baby went into prison because of a knife-fight, I decided that I definitively couldn´t have the baby. The abortion was done under general anaesthetic and when I awoke from it, I didn´t feel anything but a deep emptiness. A few days later I started to have frequent crying attacks and I knew my life would never be the same again. I spoke with my friends and a psychologist about it. Everybody confirmed to me that I had good reasons for my decision, but the guilt wouldn’t leave me. From then on I threw myself into drugs even more than I did before. I set my border, which should warn me early enough to quit taking drugs, further away, and on top of all this I lost the few morals that I still had.

...we often went to the nearest pusher to buy some heroin...

I started going to a doctor daily, who gave me methadone, a drug substitute for heroin that should be taken under strict supervision of a doctor. But I didn´t succeed for too long taking methadone only. Instead I got to know more people from the drug scene there and after having received our methadone we often went to the nearest pusher to buy some heroin. In the course of time I needed more and more heroin to simply be on a normal level.

I still persuaded myself into thinking that I could stop taking drugs at any time, if I wanted to. This was despite my boyfriend dying from a heroin overdose. At this time I received methadone from the doctor to be normal, and additionally I took heroin to be high. After a while I was chucked out by a few doctors, because sooner or later they all found out that I still took heroin as well.

For the first time I went into a rehabilitation clinic to undergo a detoxification. Once again I had to leave this location after only three days, because my heroin level did not decrease. So my double life continued. To keep up my appearance of being a normal young woman, I continued my studies to become a child social worker, which, as long as I got enough heroin, went fairly well. In this respect it was a vicious cycle, because I needed the drugs to simply function normally. The methadone I received from the doctor wasn´t adequate to eliminate the symptoms of withdrawal, as I was still taking more heroin than methadone, due to my extra heroin top-ups. Usually I took 5 to 10 grams of heroin daily; this was in addition to my methadone. So my day was spent looking for and taking heroin to just function. There was no time left for friendships. In the morning, at noon, in the afternoon, in the evening and at night I only had one aim: HEROIN! Heroin was my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night and often even my dreams were possessed by this ardent desire.

I started talking to God about my despair

After a while I tried to pass another detoxification in a rehabilitation clinic. As I couldn´t sleep there at nights I went to the doctor asking him to prescribe me some sleeping tablets. He didn´t want to, and just mentioned that there is probably a good reason as to why I couldn´t sleep, and that I should thank the Lord for it. I was quite angry about his reaction and thought he was crazy. But still I couldn´t sleep and started to talk to God in my despair, asking him to help me.

I was finally released from the hospital as ‘clean from drugs’. But the first thing my boyfriend and I did, was buy some heroin. We were too ‘high’ that night to drive home. We had to spend the night in our car in front of the clinic. I finally had to admit to myself that I was addicted. It became increasingly harder to keep up the nice appearance I wanted to have. In the end I lost my driver’s licence and my flat. With large debts I had to move back in with my parents. I told them that I wouldn´t take anything anymore. At this time I was tired and very weak. As long as there was sufficient heroin I felt okay but when there wasn´t enough or when it was not good quality, I realised what a wretch I was without this powder, not even capable to walk properly and so on. Often I was lying in my bed crying and thinking that I needed something that would help me. But I thought a life without drugs didn´t seem to be worth living. Without drugs I had this deep longing that seemed to be even worse than my addiction. Often I thought; “Imagine, if you had all the money in the world and could buy everything you wanted to…”, but I couldn´t think of anything in the world that would make me happy and fill the emptiness in me. I decided that it would be better to have a short life with drugs, instead of a long life without them.

..no other religion or any psychology could take my guilt away...

After I came to this conclusion about my life, I met a Christian man named Georg on the street one day. He, together with another man, told me about Jesus and that God had changed his whole life completely, see testimony of Georg. Furthermore he explained to me that I was an enemy of God, but that God would forgive me, if I converted to him, got baptised under water and baptised in the Holy Spirit with the sign of speaking in other tongues. Everything I had ever done, even if I had committed murder, would be as if it had never happened. ISAIAH 1:18: “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they be red as crimson, they shall be as wool.” These words touched me deeply, because deep inside I knew that I, beside many other things, was guilty of murder. Until that day no other religion or any psychology could take my guilt away. I knew that if God really existed, I would have committed many sins and that my life was full of lies. Lastly Georg and I exchanged phone numbers and afterwards I went to the nearest toilet and took some heroin.

After this meeting with Georg I thought more and more about the consequences if there really was a God? I was too deeply involved in my drug life, so it took quite some time before Georg and I managed to get together again. So in the mean time Georg put the book “The Cross and the Switchblade” into my letter-box. It tells the story about a man who went to the gangs in New York and experienced how heroin addicts, after receiving God´s Holy Spirit, were set free from their addiction. This occupied me so much, that for the whole night I couldn´t sleep. I just could not understand why nobody knew that, as it is perfect evidence that God really exists. As I walked to my work the following day, I suddenly started to cry and knew somehow that God was there and that in the past I had done so many things which were completely against him.

God always knew my heart and was waiting to forgive

One day I eventually managed to meet Georg. While we were driving in the car, he asked permission to ask a personal question. As I said “yes”, he asked me if I ever had an abortion. I asked him how this occurred to him. He just said that it came into his mind while he was in prayer. I was finished! This was exactly the point which in all those years had never let me loose. Somehow I knew that this was from God and that he was bringing up my most sore points to show he had not lost interest in me. This evening we visited a nice married couple, who were friends of Georg, and they told me the story of how they came to God. In their story they used always the term “relationship with God”, and I was wondering how it could be possible to have a relationship with him. That was a thing I wasn´t  taught in my former years in church. Only a short time later I went with them to a meeting of the Assembly and noticed that these people had something which I definitively didn´t have, but what I wanted to have.

...every human-being has a natural longing to be with God...

Georg explained to me that every human-being has a natural longing to be with God, but that most of the people tried to plug this hole with things like jobs, money, drugs, etc. He told me that only God could actually fill it. From this day on I started to read the Bible from time to time, but as I didn´t understand most of it, Georg explained to me particular scriptures on the phone. I was very much impressed by such scriptures which said that from our body streams of living water will flow, and that we´ll never be thirsty anymore if we just turn to God;

JOHN 4:10,13,14 “Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water… Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.” That touched me deeply, for I knew this thirst, which was recurring again and again. One day I prayed to God, telling him that he could have my life if he wanted it, and shortly afterwards I decided to get baptised.

Georg was absolutely convinced that God would heal me from my heroin addiction...

Until then I was still fully hooked on heroin. When I woke up at night, my body was aching due to the withdrawal symptoms. Then I instantly had to take something to be able to continue sleeping. Georg was absolutely convinced that God would heal me from my heroin addiction within a second, and told me a few examples of people who had experienced this. My faith wasn´t exactly huge. I thought that this might have worked out with others, but I was not sure that God could do that for me because of the large amount of heroin I took. After I took my heroin for the last time at 1 pm we went praying together that I would receive the Holy Spirit with the sign of speaking in other tongues. I myself was rather astonished when suddenly unknown syllables streamed out of my mouth. I was overwhelmed. Afterwards we went to a lake, and I got baptised under water. Afterwards we decided to go to my place to take away all the drugs which I had stored there. Being at home I thought that it might be nice to smoke a very last cigarette. But when I lit the cigarette and inhaled the smoke, all of a sudden this whole procedure was strange to me, and, although I usually smoked three packets of cigarettes a day, I never touched another cigarette since this experience, without any effort. Now it was the drugs turn. Slightly shaking I flushed all the heroin I had down the toilet. So far these drugs were all I was living for, my only content in life, but God made it possible for me to throw them all away.

In the first days after my baptism I stayed with people from the Assembly, and even though in the beginning I was not convinced that it would work, I discovered that there was no “cold turkey”. I felt a bit weak, but this was nothing compared to the symptoms I experienced when only for a few hours I didn´t take heroin.

"Old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new..."

God had completely taken away my physical addiction. Not only that: my mental subjection to the drug was gone as well. I noticed that everything was different. I knew God was with me. At that time a scripture always came into my mind: 2 CORINTHIANS 5:17: “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new”, and I knew it was exactly like the scripture said. The memories of my old life were all still present, but somehow I knew that although only a few days had passed by, all this belonged to the past.

It has been four years now since I made my decision for the Lord and I can say that he really blessed my life. One of the first things I did after my conversion was to have a real conversation with my parents and for the first time in years I answered their questions without lying. Although they were quite sceptical in the beginning, God healed the old wounds and they are very happy now to see that my life has changed so drastically.

Two years ago Georg and I got married and we are planning to move to Australia as missionaries for a period of time, which is really exciting. Meanwhile we have a little daughter and I´m truly thankful to the Lord that he gave me a family and a new life.
In retrospect, I can say that God did for me, what was impossible for the doctors and social workers. However, besides the fact that God delivered me completely from my heroin addiction, it is a far greater and more special gift that he forgave me my sins and that through the sacrifice of Jesus, through his death on the cross and his resurrection, he gave me everlasting life with him, and saved my soul from eternity in hell.

MARK 8:36: “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”   ROMANS 6:23: “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

I thank God for His grace,

Jessie

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The word of God is quick and powerful able to divide the soul and the spirit and the joints and marrow. HEB. 4:12 At just six month old GOD brought me back from sickness of pneumonia, the doctors said it was only by a miracle. God had a plan . I received some brain and organ damage. I could not understand like normal kids. The anger came and all the shame , confusion. Then at 9 years old I said something very bad to my mother, that night I heard creeping in the hall way, I turned and saw the doorway open I then saw the evil a big shadow enter into my bedroom. I thought I was dreaming I closed my eyes then I opened them it was not a dream.it was real. I called out to my dad who finally came the shadow went right through the wall. My life started to go real bad then. a few days latter a great trauma happen in my life. I stopped talking completely. My parents were at that time very rich and they sent me to the best doctors in the city, but no one could help, so they sent to a mentally impaired school in texas the best in the world. After a short time they got me talking but the anger and the shame of what had happen was still there. I started inhaling glue trying to stop the pain of the past Even though it was not my fault. ( the trauma and pneumonia that is ) I can remember while at the school some women took me to a first assembly of God church I can remember going froward and every one praying over me , even now at 61 years old now, the tears still come back oh GODS mercy was at work. I continued to get into trouble even at school in texas. After 4 years I ran away from that school and my dad did not send me back. I started smoking pot, LSD then finally cocaine with the needle and crack. One time I did to much at this mans house and was dying with my last breath I cried out, God save me I don't want to die. GOD had a plan. When I woke up the man who owned the house had already left me for dead and had left his own house. With 3 DUI's . going to the AA and Na and Ca but no one told me who God was. I was still using going into convulsing all the time from the crack. But then one night I picked up the Bible GODS powerful Holy Word and started reading I could not put it down, I read for about three hours. I went to bed around 9:PM. And at 3 AM in the morning I woke up and sat up in the bed and said you are not going to come back in my life anymore. I saw that same shadow leave my bed that I had seen at 9 years old and go toward the bathroom. The next day I had a money problem with my investor in the business that I was operating, who had found out about the cocaine problem and was ready to cut off all my finances. I thought I don't have any thing to live for now, I will end it now. After talking with a friend I committed my myself to a hospital for suicidal thoughts. I had not yet turned my life over to God yet but was close. Satan was trying to kill me again, But God had Plan Then after being released and on my fourth wife, and on house arrest for the Dui's I had to go to court. God was there and did not even know it. A friend went with me and told the judge about a free Christian rehab center that was free and he thought they could help me. it was a 60 day program called Elim home 434-846-1422 So June 17th 1993 was the last time I used cocaine. The Great Physician and a Mother's prayer For I was once in bondage to cocaine still trying to fulfill my heart from the great pain, the past ,the guilt and all the shame an endless cycle that was driving me insane. Many times I thought of taking my life for I could see the light of life just darkness and blight . My Mother prayed for me be thy will Lord set my son free. With problems in my veins and satan holding the reigns the smoke filled rooms the crack and the hopelessness that looms Through the tears and the fears and the hopelessness through the years and the medicine of man nothing could stop the pain of the past , the guilt and all the shame. Those dreams at night the deadly ole dreams that only satan would bring. Then one day I met a man who told me about the Great Physician who healed his past and showed him true life at last he told me His Name JESUS, JESUS, JESUS. On June 23third 1993 at about 6:45pm I believed that Jesus Christ shed His blood for me on the cross that day, I believe that He was buried and on the third day He a rose from the grave. I repented of my sin, and was baptized in the water proclaiming I would follow Christ and because of a pure heart I received baptism of the Holy Ghost with power from on high. An answered prayer was heard I gave my life to CHRIST that day through His precious word for in that moment through CHRIST atonement and the way that the Veil was torn another brand new man was born. For I am told that money cannot buy the soul for Christ holds the key and the glory for the bold so I must take a tight hold upon the LORDS sheep fold for we are all tried like gold. You Lord You Lord who gives my life true meaning. You Lord oh you Lord who keeps my heart oh singing. For each and every moment and each and every thought must be on you. For you Lord are the author of my life Now I end this story my Freinds and I thankfully give Christ Jesus all the Glory revised 2012 Jackie Marshall

nice

My husband of 30 years has been addicted to one thing or another the entire time of our marriage. I always seem to have "hope" and believe his lies. He lies, steals any kind of medicine from his family that can get him high, gets his own pain pills from legal prescriptions, but takes them all in a week instead of a month. I'm so worn out and exhausted. I realized this weekend that the only thing that has been keeping me with him all these years is the word "hope". Hope has disillusioned me. I realize this weekend that there is no hope. You see, when he was 16, the Lord showed him that he was to preach. But then he messed up with drinking, girls, drugs. I married him because I had "hope" that the "real" person inside of him would finally come out and he would be the preacher he was supposed to be. I've put up with his lies, verbal abuse, sneakiness, broken promises for 30 years because of "hope" - I really thought that he would finally see the light. Oh yes, there have been times when we'd go to church, get involved and I thought "He's finally got it figured out and will get on the right track and become the preacher he's supposed to be". Wrong. Then, we got involved doing some mission work over seas a couple of times. The Lord really showed me that is what I am supposed to do. But, in the meantime, hubby continues to do drugs. i keep waiting for him to finally stop once and for all so we can get on with our lives and be missionaries. I realize this weekend that is all a farce. I keep waiting for him and time keeps on ticking. I think I need to realize that he WILL NEVER change and I need to get on with my life before it's too late. I'm trying to pray and seek the Lord's guidance as to whether or not to stay married now that I completely understand that my husband will never be able to walk the Christian walk and I cannot see myself going to church with him and covering up his double life anymore. I would like to know, honestly, if there are ANY former drug addicts that don't end up right back in it again? I read your story and thought "how wonderful", but then my next thought was "I wonder how long it will be before she's back at it". I'm sorry for the cynicism but that is what he's made me. Anytime I hear of someone "coming clean" I always think "just give it time....they won't be clean for long". I HATE HATE HATE that it has turned me into this cold hearted person. People used to think I was the most joyful person around. I used to think "yep, the person who is laughing and smiling is actually hiding alot of pain". Drugs and addiction are too powerful to overcome.

Dear Jessica, Please pray for my boufriend leigh O`Keeffe who is addicted from marihuana,games,has demonic possesion and genetic disorder.He is in the mess.Soon will be baptised.Now demon attacking us even more as I am guiding him to Jesus. Marzena

Hi Marzena, great to hear that your boyfriend will be baptised soon. I`m sure that it will be the most important thing in his life to get baptized and to receive the Holy Spirit like it`s described in ACTS 2:38 "Then Peter said unto them,Repent,and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." I`ll keep you both and especially his conversion in prayer. Please feel free to write me whenever you want. Thinking of you Jessie

I am very happy to see your testimony - I am writting in english because i very little understanding of dutch language

Hi Sanjay, thanks for your comment. I´m happy that you red my testimony and see how God can change lives and saves souls. As you might have already seen there are many more great testimonies which show that God is a living God.

Dear Jessica, please pray for a young man, whom we have named Gabriel. He has given his life to Jesus but is battling through withdrawal. He does not want to go to a rehab center, he is going it alone holding on to our prayers and his faith in God. But the going is tough. Has been on heroin, cocaine and something else for 19 years. Sometimes he doubts he can make it. He has not been baptized or baptized in the Holy Spirit yet. Please advise us. Thank you for what you are doing. May God bless you.

Dear Annemarie,

thanks for writing me and your ministry to Gabriel. I can imagine that he`s battling with doubts as it is a very tough thing he`s going through. The bible says that we have to be born of water and of the spirit to enter into the kingdom of God (JOHN 3:5) what means we have to get baptized and to receive the Holy Spirit with the signs of speaking in tongues like it`s described in Acts 2. I`m sure than he`ll receive the power of the Holy Ghost (ACTS 1:8) and he will not have to stand on his own ability any more. I know from my experience that it helped me a lot to seek God in peayer and to receive his power and faith. The Bible says that "he that speaks in another tongue edifieth himself " (1 CORINTHIANS 14:4) and that it builds the faith of God in us (JUDE 20). I know that I could do nothing from my own to get rid of drugs and that it was only God who set me free and not my own ability, will etc. Please say hi to Gabriel and that I`ll pray for him. Please don`t hesitate to contact me whenever you want.
Will keep you in prayer, Love in Christ Jessie
 

Hi Sanjay, thanks for your comment. I´m happy that you red my testimony and see how God can change lives and saves souls. As you might have already seen there are many more great testimonies which show that God is a living God.

I had a similar experience to yours. I am so thankful I found this post! Sometimes we need that sign from God to know that he still cares. I was so ashamed and thought I'd fallen out of His grace permanently. My boyfriend died from an overdose of crystal meth right in front of me and it only drove me to use more. I got help at a church of all places, and I was very ungrateful and disrespectful to the people trying to help me. God's will in them was stronger than my defiance. I finally saw the light when one morning after 4 days of detox I was locked in my room with nothing but the Bible. I somehow landed on the same verse in Isaiah, probably because I remember him having visions and I was looking for justification of continuing to use.  Thank you so much for sharing! God bless!

at 13 I carrried guns and sold drugs, by 15 I traveled the U.S. & CANADA living criminal gangster lifestyle. By age 20 I was arrested and spent the next 15 years inside some of America's bloodiest prisons. March 27th of 2004 guards came to my prison cell and yelled out to me, "Duncan, your dad is dead. Are you going to hurt yourself or anyone else. do we need to lock you in segregation." -It was that day a few hours later I was on my knees praying for SALVATION, for CHRIST to have mercy on my soul and to make me NEW and to USE me for His will. Today (GLORY TO GOD) I am the Director of FIERCE YOUTH OUTREACH - we are a one of a kind BIBLE BELIEVING youth outreach organization that reaches out to gang/criminal impacted youth. GLORY TO GOD- for GOD is using all of my real life experiences to HELP others who live lifestyles like I once lived.

I can relate to your story quite well,however,I grew up in a christian home,went to church,and basically led a normal life. And,as it was expressed to me by some,I was a "yes man"... To give you an idea of the extreme of being polite was,if I was at your house,for dinner,and you served me peas,although I *hate* peas,I would eat them anyways,and I would simply go along with whatever my "friends" suggested because I had a terrible time with standing up for myself,and those around me could easily sense this,and took full advantage of this weakness. This was the case from my early childhood(where my father would always go to bat for me,although this was good,and he did it out of love to protect me,it inevitably made it harder for me to stand up to people on my own.) And, in turn,I would use alcohol to cope with people bullying me or taking advantage of me,because it made me feel good..Later,I stopped drinking(thank God(!) ),and casually used narcotics(pills)..Eventually this would lead to other drugs,like marijuana,and more potent prescription meds. As it turns out,I am now very good at dealing with opposition,even without meds, because of working for a major telephone company,through tela sales.Doing this line of work for over 4 years,will DEFENATLY change ones personality,and shurley toughen you up..I have NO problems at all,in my personal life taking a stand against anyone ...and Im not intimidated,by a persons size,voice tone(shouting/raising a voice,ect).. But,I have not been completely able to stop using drugs,as I am still polite,and courteous,unfortunately it *still* seems that allot of people assume they can control me,or that I will not stand up to them,ect...This is not the case,and I have found that,although standing up for ones self,or for whats right,or what you believe in,there are still those who seem to think that they can "muscle" me(like my in-laws) or others who are quite simply,not used to *any* type of opposing opinions to their own(and seem quite shocked,when you disagree with them,lol) ...As a result of this,opposition,it's become necessary to some extent to boost my own self esteem,to use drugs to do so,and to basically "put up with idiots" and what seems to be constant resistance by others when I say No,just so I can even tolerate them and still be in a good mood.

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