Endogenous Psychosis Patient Drawn by the Holy Spirit
I’d like to share with you how God saved me from a life of vanity and selfishness.
I was born in 1963 in Hamburg, North Germany, and as my parents were members (in name only) of the Evangelical Lutheran Church, I was christened as a baby, but raised without any religious convictions. I grew up in an average home, finished school, fulfilled my military service, and started to study librarianship in 1985.
Diagnosed with Endogenous Psychosis
In 1988 my life was about to take another direction. It all started off with some kind of sleeplessness. For some reason I started waking up earlier and earlier; after 5 hours, then 4 hours, and then 3 hours, slowly realizing that my perception of the environment was beginning to change somehow. It was as if I had gotten myself into a swirl, and gradually began to see coded messages behind every corner. After a few days I had completely lost touch with reality, started to hallucinate, and found myself on an inner journey. I had visions of paradise, the fall of man, the crucifixion, etc. It went so far that in the end I was convinced that I was the redeemer of mankind i.e. the Messiah! Eventually I caused public offense, was committed to a closed mental ward, diagnosed with endogenous psychosis1 and treated with psychotropic drugs such as Haldol (Haloperidol) and Mellaril. After some 3 months my senses slowly returned to normal, and I was released.
Those biblical visions had left me with one burning question...
Replaying all this in my mind I wanted to understand why it had happened to me. I wasn’t satisfied with certain medical explanations pointing to genetic predisposition, stress, etc. Those biblical visions had left me with one burning question: Could it be true, that Jesus Christ is indeed the Son of God? That He was crucified for my sins and that He rose on the third day, that there’s a literal heaven and a literal hell? Could it be true? I had never really given it much thought...
So I started to read the Bible, but soon realized that I couldn’t get anything out of it really. I didn’t know much about Christianity, so I approached a Lutheran community pastor asking, “What is sin? What about smoking cigarettes? What about sex before marriage?” He was very polite, answering very carefully and put my mind at ease by quoting verses like:
“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” (1 CORINTHIANS 6:12). In others words I didn’t need to worry too much about these things. I believed that pastor, and a bit later on I was even confirmed by him. Time went by and I began to visit different churches on my quest for truth. I met up with all kinds of people: Lutherans, Roman Catholics, New Apostolic Christians, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, and others. All very nice people, however, I somehow didn’t find any satisfactory answers and felt as empty as ever.
One day, as I sat in the subway I quietly asked God to give me a sign if He really existed. A few minutes later at the next stop about 20 black men got on the train, all carrying books under their arms. Strangely enough, they sat down in the very part where I was sitting, and having become curious I asked what kind of books these were. One guy said they were Bibles, gave me his details and invited me to come to a meeting: “On Sunday I will introduce Jesus Christ to you!” he said before getting off the train. I had never experienced something like this. No way could this have been mere coincidence.
I found myself in a hall amidst some 100 black people
On Sunday I went to their service and found myself in a hall amidst some 100 black people. It was quite a lively meeting with a band playing on the stage. The minister preached for a while and after he said “Amen!” - all of a sudden - everyone raised their hands, closed their eyes and started to utter strange sounds. The weird spectacle made me feel pretty uncomfortable and I simply left the service. I was soon to find out that they had been “praying in tongues”.
3½ years of trying to find answers had passed by since I left the psychiatric clinic. I only knew that something was wrong in this world, but couldn’t put my finger on it. However, I was soon to find out. On a Saturday afternoon as I was standing in front of a McDonald’s restaurant, a girl approached me and asked, “Do you believe in God?” I said “Yes!”, though I didn’t have faith really, but was desperate to talk. “Were you baptized?” – “Yes, I was christened as a baby!” I replied. She then explained that a biblical baptism is done by full immersion and must be preceded by a conscious decision to follow God. She mentioned the return of Christ, the necessity of repentance, the infilling of the Holy Spirit, etc. – I was dumbfounded as never in my entire life had I ever heard of these things. We then sat down in a cafe, where she and another chap explained things in more depth, backing up everything with the Bible. They told me that they regularly met in house groups and invited me to their Sunday meeting.
The next day saw me sitting between some 15 people singing and clapping, giving testimonies of what God had done in their lives, and also “praying in tongues” at one point. They had explained to me the day before that speaking in tongues is basically a prayer language, which you receive the moment you are filled with the Holy Spirit. A sermon was given as well, which was followed by communion and the operation of the so-called spiritual gifts: 2-3 tongues, each with an interpretation, and 2-3 prophecies (1 CORINTHIANS 14:27-29).
The meeting left quite an impression on me, not to mention the people’s kindness, the spotless flat and the excellent food afterwards.
It was simply flowing out of my innermost being...
When I left that evening after having heard about the reality of hell, and after having seen the light in the people’s eyes, I knew it was REAL and not some kind of man-made theatre. I knew inwardly that I was indeed a sinner on the road to hell and that I needed forgiveness. Two weeks later, after having been taught about repentance, I was baptised in a bathtub by full immersion. I didn’t feel much different after the baptism, and I also didn’t receive the Holy Spirit immediately. Another fortnight had to pass by before I experienced ACTS 2:4 in my own person. God showed me in LUKE 11:11-13 that EVERYBODY who asks, will receive the Holy Spirit. A few seconds after prayer had been made for me, with the laying-on of hands (see, for example ACTS 19:6), I gently started to speak in a new language, which I had never spoken before and which I didn’t even understand (1 CORINTHIANS 14:2). I was able to control the speed and the volume of the syllables, but not the syllables themselves – it was simply flowing out of my innermost being as promised in JOHN 7:38 –
“He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.”
It was an amazing experience; it still worked the next morning, and has done ever since. I had so much inner joy because the burden of sin had been lifted from me – I was reconciled to God! Now I could clearly see that it is sin which separates this world from God. That’s why there is so much suffering and evil, because of sin, because mankind has chosen its own way. I had gone my own way for 28 years, but God had been all the while working in my life and drawing me towards Him. JOHN 6:44 –
“No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him...”
And the Endogenous Psychosis?
So what was the real cause of my endogenous psychosis? The truth is that most mental conditions are spiritually caused, although they also have certain physical and chemical connections in the body. There is a spiritual world and there was a fight over my soul – just as there is over yours, though you might not notice it manifested. Most people consider themselves too intelligent to be concerned with demons, however, I know that an evil spirit had entered me. In psychiatric hospitals, demons are obviously not cast out – they are rather chased away through drugs. A paralyzed host is no fun for a demon, and so he leaves the body like in my case. Still, God used the situation to open my eyes, to finally let go and respond to His drawing. There’s no such thing as coincidence – I don’t think I could possibly have been saved any other way – Praise the Lord!
- 1. Endogenous psychosis is a generic term for mental illnesses such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. The cause of these diseases is mainly ascribed to a chemical imbalance in the brain. This agrees with the dominant view in Western culture, according to which life is the product of biochemical and neurochemical processes. Despite the lack of any empirical evidence for the above, people suffering from hallucinations or thought insertion (voices) are usually treated with powerful chemicals i.e. psychotropic drugs. The alternative conclusion, that these symptoms could be caused by demonic spirits (see MATTHEW 17:14-18; MARK 5:2-20; LUKE 9:38-42) is not taken into consideration. Our deeply embedded conviction that the spiritual realm is an illusion has led to the rejection of demonic possession as a valid psychiatric or medical diagnosis.